There have always been two almost separate and distinct parts to my soul. The first is the spiritual, jovial side that sees everything as a learning experience and evidence that not only does God exist, but He is master of all things. Life is a fantastic playground ready to be taken by the proverbial horns and steered in any direction my little heart so desires. The second is a dark, brooding and tortured character whose eyes pierce through appearances and sees the core of all human suffering. I suppose this is what happens when a soul is taken to the edge of existence and back several times over. Truth is, some days I don’t even mind looking over that jagged edge. I find it curious, interesting. Sometimes I stay there just to dwell on its purpose and look into the dark abyss that lies beyond. It feels like a medal of honor of sorts, proof that I have the heart to keep trudging forward despite the seemingly unendurable pain. However, no matter how deep the sorrow, how deep the desperation, I know where that abyss leads. To some it may look like a way out, as if “ending it all” is really ending anything. Certainly the power to design an exit strategy is intoxicating to someone who feels powerless in almost every aspect of their lives. The difference for me is the knowledge that there is no end to existence, only a “next step”. That piece of information alone is enough to keep me from jumping.
I whole-heartedly subscribe to the idea that God will never give us more than we can handle. If that is true, than this whole experience of going back and forth between happiness and trauma is most certainly a tool to push me places. Otherwise I might not acquire the depth needed to fulfill my life’s purpose. I might not become the best version of me. All that I have been through within the confines of my soul has allowed me to understand the plight of others. It has given me a sense of empathy. No matter the situation, I know the diverse feelings of the heart. It makes me realize that I am indeed alive and feeling the full spectrum of emotions. That reason, all by itself, is worth it.
